August 15, 2011

Boxed Wine Wishes & Coupon Dreams...

While I'll give it to my husband - "Hear that Honey, you're right!" - that nobody needs a 2 gallon jar of mayonnaise, I have totally jumped on the coupon bandwagon and I'm riding it into the sunset with unabashed abandon. I don't care that the pre-pubescent  CVS clerk looks at me like I have a third breast; I'll be laughing all the way through the apocalypse with my fresh smelling hair thanks to my 32 containers of 4 cent shampoo and 15 body washes - take that! (Not to mention had he not treated me like a freak I would have gladly shared my pile of Noxzema coupons with him, and his future may have taken a decidedly different turn) - that's the power I wield within my HUGE, HEAVY, magical coupon binder - you have all been warned. The thing that is the most frustrating is that I can no longer go to the grocery store looking like a hobo. I spend more time prepping for a 20 minute outing to Target than I would for a Broadway musical, because they are never 20 minutes anymore. The moment the automatic doors part I know I will be besieged by a multitude of women, who flock to me asking the same thing, "Are you one of those crazy couponers?" I'm seriously considering adding a twitch and a limp - with a dose of schizophrenic behavior added for good measure when I reply, "You betcha!"

I've had so many friends ask me for advice so I'm going to tell you what I've told everyone else. You get out of it what you put into it, and you have to be a TINY bit unbalanced - seriously, how do you explain those women - storing dry goods under the kids bunk-beds, and looking directly into the camera; completely unflinching prepping to do it all again the next week - heroes. OK,  I'm nuts...agreed - but my child will never want for mac-n-cheese - nor will yours, or yours, or yours, or...
You get what I'm saying. Actually a side note, I have discovered something that will put to rest the nagging stresses of many of my friends - all of those shows were taped more that a year ago, and many of the major chains have long since stopped the uber-beneficial programs such as doubling or tripling coupons.

The most helpful website I found to date was It was idiot proof - and I am living proof of that - it takes you through how to shop each and every store, AND you can print off checklists - ahhh the things my dreams are made of.

So my husband will continue to shake his head as I return from my 3 hour shopping expeditions - I usually have to stop for nourishment at some point - and 1 in 5 women will continue to stop me and ask me 100 questions, completely oblivious to the fact I've been doing the pee-dance for the last 10 minutes; but as I walk out of the store into the dark parking lot, escorted by the security guard to my car (whose looking at me with more fear in his eyes than I feel he would have towards any attacker) and I get in and realize that I've cut my grocery bill in half, and usually more - I am content in the realization that I have just added to my family's well-being. Once a week I drive off into the moonset with a smile and the knowledge I'll be getting a "good job" pedicure this weekend!

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